Unplanned Donuts and a Hot Space Elf

I live by myself, so I talk to my dog a fair amount. I also often see things on the TV that compel me to vent my disbelief, confusion, and occasional outrage.

Here are just a few of the recent ones:

1. Weight Watchers…is now offering coaches. A woman rocking Michelle Obama’s arms promises help if you go into the office and “there are donuts…and you weren’t expecting them.”

I have a lot to say about this. First, why does it matter if the donuts were expected? Are sneak-attack donuts somehow more difficult to resist? Does the gun-show lady mean to suggest that the occasion of pre-announced donuts would have involved some sort of donut-evasion plan? When did life become this difficult?

Second, it’s possible that I will go to work someday, and there will be donuts (either of the pre-ordained or stealth variety) and it’s also possible that I will not eat one of them.

It is utterly ridiculous, however, to think I’m going to take time out of my day to call some woman I saw on TV to talk me out of it.

2. Jupiter Ascending…is coming to theaters next week. The trailer features Channing Tatum done up as some kind of outer-space elf. I keep expecting him to say something about the five armies of Middle Earth.

I mean, I still want to see it, but it may just be a hot mess.

Still brooding over the desolation of Smaug?

3. Disney and Universal…run a lot of ads in January. In them, nobody is wearing coat. I mean, not even a light jacket.

I live here, so I can tell you—this is a lie. It was forty-two degrees on my way to work this morning.

4. TGIT…ads on ABC feature a bunch of stars from Scandal, How to Get Away With Murder, and that hospital show that’s been on for nineteen years. They all pretend they’ve been having withdrawal symptoms from not seeing their own TV shows.

Come on: you’ve been on vacay somewhere tropical, and we all know it. I am psyched to watch two of these shows and all, but I don’t fancy being patronized about it.