Pumpkin Spice Lattes: Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

Since Ouija, a board game, has now been made into a movie, it’s becoming pretty clear that lots of common household objects now can and should be made into films.

You might think that the stunning failure of the movie version of the classic game Battleship would have served as a sort of a cautionary tale, but, guess not.

Probably there are lots of folks who keep remembering how successful those darn Transformers flicks turned out to be, and those were based on toys. 

So just in case there’s someone out there looking to take a chance on a great idea for a movie about an inanimate object, here are my pitches:

Glade Scented Candles

I don’t know I if you’re aware of this, but these candles are, and I quote, “Inspired by the best feelings in the world.” The best feelings…IN THE WORLD. That’s hard to argue with. And then we have the drama of the multi-layer candle: one candle. Two smells. It’s pretty epic. Maybe this film could finally be the one that brings smell-o-vision to the multiplex.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes

This film has holiday classic written all over it. And, obviously, some smell-o-vision, as well as cross promotional tie-in possibilities.

 Wite-Out

This may seem like a harmless little item sitting in your desk drawer. But consider the sheer power. Once something is written, it’s pretty much there forever, unless you apply WITE-OUT. What if the power of WITE-OUT spread…what if feelings could be erased…or thoughts? The very fabric of reality is pretty much in danger.

This idea is gold. Well, it’s white, but you get the idea.

A Waffle Iron

This isn’t really a dramatic movie…just more like comfort food for the eyes and ears, perfect for that movie-release dry spell that hits right around January. Better yet, go straight for the taste buds and just scrap the whole filming-the-movie part, get a bunch of waffle irons, and have a waffle feast right there in the theater. I, for one, will buy a ticket to that show every time.

Goodnight, Dear Void

Some movies you see once, and move on. But some others are just so darn re-watchable—and so quotable. As much as I adore TV and books, there’s nothing like a movie for quotability. There are a few films that I’ve seen far more times than I could ever count. There are certain lines I think of every time a similar event happens in the real world. For instance, if anyone ever mentions trouble digesting dairy, in my head I immediately hear Meg Ryan’s character from French Kiss yelling “Lactose intolerannnnncccee!!!” and I picture her asking Kevin Kline to “stop the rocking” of the train.

These moments are burned into my brain forever, some from sheer repetition, but others because the moment, and the words the character spoke in that moment, just fit into this little space in my mind, and my heart.

There are so many quotes I could list, but here are my top five. More than just great movie quotes, if you ask me, these are words to live by.

5. “We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all”

-Andrew from The Breakfast Club

In a movie full of quotable lines (provided you’re not watching the censored version on broadcast TV) this one seems to me to really sum up the message of the film. None of these kids really felt like they had it all figured out. The fact that Andrew, one of the two members of the popular clique to be in Saturday detention that fateful day, was the one to say it gives the message even more weight.

4 “Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"

    “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

-Sam and Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Okay, so this movie is based on a book, so it’s cheating a bit, but, wow. What a line. I can’t imagine Charlie’s reply not resonating with everyone who reads/hears it.

3. “Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease.”

-Sam, Sixteen Candles

I have personally recited this one throughout my life. Sam’s grandparents brought their foreign exchange student to her house on the afternoon of her birthday; by nine PM he had a girlfriend. Meanwhile Sam’s had a crush on the same boy for at least a year and (she doesn’t think) he even knows she’s alive. Such a relatable moment (at least for me!)

2. “That's your problem, you don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie.”-Becky, Sleepless in Seattle

The genius of Nora Ephron: I could easily do a top-ten list of just her quotes. This line is so perfect. Who doesn’t want to be in love in a movie? And how many of us at least strongly suspect that romantic books and movies have probably ruined us on some fundamental level?

1. “Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.”

-Kathleen, You’ve Got Mail.

Ephron again, of course. I love this movie so much. I love these lines (which the protagonist writes in an email to Tom Hanks’s  character) even more. There’s so much here. I feel sad and happy reading these words, every time. It’s amazing that the email/social media world had barely begun when this movie was written, and yet how perfectly does this sentiment still feel today? And then there’s the idea of wondering if we’ve chosen the best life because it’s what we want, or if we haven’t been brave—that part’s got to be timeless.

In a way, every blog post ever written (and most of them were written after this screenplay) is an echo to this idea. Whether or not we receive an answer, there’s something sort of comforting about sending our cosmic questions out into the void.

Goodnight, dear void.

Refreshingly Derivative

Last week’s Entertainment Weekly featured an article about a huge showdown coming this Memorial Day. 

Fans of the impressive muscles and distinct gravelly growl of Vin Diesel—try not to faint. There WILL be a sixth Fast & Furious movie coming to a multiplex near you! And, the very same weekend, you can also see the third Hangover movie. Which one will moviegoers pick? This is so exciting. It’s on!

The plot of F&F is going to involve high-octane car chases. Some very attractive people will drive impossibly fast and at some point they will yell at each other. There will also be guns. I didn’t read an advance review or anything—I’m just that good at predicting things.

The plot of the original movie was wafer-thin: a boyishly handsome undercover cop tries to bust some street racers. Possibly I should be impressed that the minds behind this series have managed somehow to spin that premise into SIX films. Confession time: I’ve seen most of these. I skipped the one that had to do with sliding the cars sideways, I think in Japan.  I don’t think that one even had the original cast in it. I rather like Vin Diesel—there’s a reassuring continuity about his performances. And Paul Walker is very cute and an also an adorably bad actor, sort of like a blond, less confused-looking Keanu Reeves. The fifth fast/furious movie made it onto my Netflix cue, but I didn’t make it past the half hour mark. I’m not sure they were working from an actual script, containing, you know, plot elements. It all just seemed like a jumble of testosterone and motor oil.

And yet. Six movies, a bajillion dollars...something about that formula works. As for its release-date competitor, the first iteration of The Hangover was damn funny. It wasn’t War and Peace, but not everything has to be (thank God). I saw the second one, and my own humble opinion: I’m calling played-out on this series. But who knows—it’s really all about the story.

 

I'm dying at how perfect this tagline is.

Memorial Day is a big weekend, and I’m sure a lot’s at stake. So the studios are going for the known quantity. I also read in the same EW about a lot of VFX studios closing. Times are tough. And they wouldn’t make this stuff if lots of someones didn’t buy it.

Formulas that work are all the rage—and probably not going anywhere. The trick may be to put a slightly new spin on something that a lot of people already like. I heard somewhere that film studios these days all want to get there second. The next—new—big thing is also a big risk. But if you can get in with a creatively knocked-off second hit, before the trend is played out, it’s all puppies and rainbows and lots and lots of money.

For the rest of us who’ll be skipping the lines for this Memorial Day’s refreshingly derivative options, at least there’s the beach. And Netflix, if it rains. 

You're Beautiful

How did you read that title? A little breathlessly, like a teen girl in love with an impossibly handsome man whose form seems to have been carved out of marble? Or sarcastically, as though you meant beautiful as kind of an insult?

I was quoting the 1989 movie Heathers, so in my head it’s sarcastic.

In the film, MC Veronica Sawyer is writing in her diary about her best friend (and worst enemy) Heather Chandler: “I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful.” Heather is one of three popular mean girls—all named Heather—who rule Westerberg High in a parody of every teen movie cliché. Heather is predictably blonde, pretty, and evil. She terrorizes the unpopular Martha Dunstalk, and pretty much everyone else. But the crazy thing about this movie is, Heather does not learn and share and grow and change. Instead, her best friend Veronica semi-accidentally kills her, and when Heather's ghost shows up later on, she’s bragging about how many people she had at her funeral.

This movie is black comedy—pitch black. There is no real afterschool special-ness going on. When I watched it again recently I began to wonder when this generation’s Heathers was going to happen.  A lot of folks have said: it’s Mean Girls! But the thing is, in that movie, everyone Learns Their Lesson. All the characters, even those who have been hit by a bus, turn out just fine, and they find their own happy little high school niche.

The best part about Heathers, I think, is that the film takes the usual tropes of teen films and embraces them, but then subverts our expectations by going just a little too far. I’ve written here before about the fact that films and books made for teens are not as populated by stereotypes as they used to be. There’s less trying to force a forty-something’s idea of what’s cool and more actually bothering to find out what is cool in terms of dress, speech, and so on.

So maybe in the late eighties, when those fakey teen movies were still all the rage, there was more of a need to subvert those expectations and mess with our minds. Except I’m not really sure the behavior of teen stock characters has actually changed. On an episode of The Vampire Diaries last year, there was a power struggle between two blonde, mean, control-freaky cheerleaders. They taunted one another at practice—a practice conveniently not attended by any sort of coach or advisor (TV teens are unfettered by most adult figures, not just parents). The only real difference between this show and a scene from an 80s movie was that the teens were probably more accurately teens on the surface: their clothes, hair, and speech were au courant. Underneath, these two characters were the same Blonde Cheerleader from central casting that’s been hauled out in movie after movie, show after show.

Are we all just like endlessly fascinated by the Wakefield twins of Sweet Valley High? Why do these characters keep showing up? We have the aforementioned B.C. We have the Rude Jock Bully. Sensitive Brunette Girl Who Reads Books. Quiet Loner Guy with Cool Hair. Funny Sidekick Guy (or Girl). Mix and repeat.

The most enduring stories, though, take these same elements, lull you into a false sense of security, and then shock the hell out of you. Witness the famous first scene of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, in which the cute blonde girl turns into a monster and kills the date we thought was about to force his attentions on her. 

Looking over the TV, movie, and book-scapes right now, I wonder if we need more subversive cult voices out there. For one thing, a lot of these stories take place in an alternate world (though many of the same character archetypes are often employed). But with all the supernatural window dressing, sometimes it’s even less clear that the story, stripped down, is is really just Loner Boy + Brunette Book Girl +conflict=happy ever after.

It’s a super PC world (and I don’t mean vs. Mac) so a Heathers reboot is probably not in the offing. But I am glad to see on that today’s Tumblr teens have rediscovered it. It’s always good to mix a little acid in with the sweet. As long as it’s not liquid Drain-O, of course.