Sunday, October 5, 2014

Bring on the Robots

So Infiniti is playing the snot out of this commercial for its new Q50—which includes “Driving Aids” which help you out if you suddenly forget, you know, how to drive.

To illustrate, the cotton-headed ninnymuggins behind the wheel in this spot manages to almost wreck not once but twice in fifteen seconds. Luckily, someone who does have a working cerebellum bought him a really nice car, so the car’s superior intellect took over and reminded him, “Hey, buddy—you have to stay in your lane.” And, a few seconds later, “When a car in front of you stops, you have to stop too—wait, never mind—I’ll do it for you.”

If it seems as though I’m anthropomorphizing the car, to be fair, in this case the car is the brains of the operation. If you remember the eighties like me this commercial gives you déjà vu, because—Knight Rider.

At the end of the commercial, the narrator intones, “It’s instinct to protect leaves you free to drive.” Or, not drive, dude, in point of fact.

But this is probably the direction we’re all heading. As a small percentage of the population becomes smart enough to make computers the size of a dime, or something, the rest of us get so dumb we forget how to even drive. The robots are probably taking over soon. We might as well just relax and go with it.

To wit, if we’re going to be Skynet’s slaves in a few years anyway, here are a few things I’d like help with:

It turns out different every time. Why? Is it possible that, like the hapless Infiniti driver, my emotions are distracting me and preventing me from always achieving the perfect cup? Send a robot, please.

Small talk
Much like driving and coffee brewing, small talk is fraught with peril. Once again, my emotions can get in the way. And also, what if I’m walking behind someone, and they stop, but I’m thinking about my deadlines, and I fail to stop? A Q50 failsafe would absolutely do the trick.

TV viewing
Let’s face it. It’s hard to hit that power button. Especially in the case of reality TV, how will I know when I’ve experienced enough moral superiority, and can shut off the device before crossing into pathetic-get-a-life binge watching? No doubt the clever folks at Infiniti can help.

In the meantime, I'm pretty bummed out that my car doesn't help me. The darn thing doesn't even chime when I leave the lights on, for lord's sake. It's kind of a miracle I'm still alive. 

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