So today I’m thinking about the
importance of a shiny surface, for a couple of reasons. The cool one is that I
got my first peek at my cover art (it’s so awesome!). The embarrassing one is
that I was watching The Celebrity
Apprentice last night, and Miss Universe finally got fired. (I’d like to blame my roommate for making me
watch this show, but the truth is, she just got me to watch the first one. I’ve
been a willing participant in the reality TV time suck ever since). So for
those who only watch fancy shows like Downton
Abbey or something, this Miss Universe person was pretty thick. On the
final challenge she asked the musicians composing a commercial jingle to make
it more “yellow or pink.” For weeks on end, she’s sat in Trump’s boardroom* and
rocked some truly impressive cheekbones and the air of a wounded yet confused
baby animal. Though she had a charming way of murdering the English language
(she’s from Venezuela) she pouted when she didn’t get to be the announcer or
the MC on a challenge. She only wanted, she said, to give one hundred and ten
percent (proving that the U.S. is not the only nation to fail utterly at
teaching young people what a percent actually is). This whole pretty/victim
thing worked for her while a lot of seemingly (much) smarter and more talented people
got canned.
That
girl is going far on the strength of
a very shiny surface, which I guess is nothing new. I was on about Pride and Prejudice last time, and even
in that world, Lizzie at first preferred Wickham because he was handsome and
engaging. Young lasses in today’s romances don’t fare much better. In fact, I’d
argue, some of them are making out much worse. That’s right, I said it. Two
hundred-plus years on, we’re now dealing with Bella Swan and her obsession with
her 104-year old boyfriend (husband, stalker…semantics). That’s right, he’s so
old, I don’t even have to spell out his age. Shouldn’t this be, I don’t know,
disgusting?
But wait, he looks like a seventeen year old. So it’s all cool.
Or
is it? I mean, think about it. He’s a hundred. And four. All of him is that
old, no matter what he looks like. And oddly enough, I don’t know if there’s
ever been a romantic hero who had a more old fart fuddy-duddy personality than
Edward Cullen. “Oh, do stop ravishing me. Alas, my virtue! Please stop fondling
me now so that I may continue reciting Shakespeare and listening to Debussey
with my eyes closed!”
That
girl’s in love with a fogey, and no mistake. What about Bella’s TV spawn, Elena
from The Vampire Diaries? She’s got
the hots for two majorly old dudes, though in fairness only one of them has the
soul of an old fart. The other one, Damon, looks great (he also looks thirty
five, but that’s a whole other issue). But he’s a stone-cold killer—and not
just in a vampires-have-to-eat sort of way. He’s got this habit of ripping
people’s actual hearts out. But he’s handsome as hell, and he loves at least one person, so we root for him. At least
these dudes don’t sparkle in sunlight.
Of
course, there are a lot of other books out there about smart girls who are just
everyday pretty or even almost-plain, smart girls who read books and have
ideas, written by slightly older girls of similar physiognomy and inclination.
And then we have the ass-kicking girls, but that’s a story for another time.
Sometimes
we have inspiring book girls that lose a little something in the translation to
the screen. Hermione muddled through the first few years at Hogwarts with
frizzy hair and buck teeth, but when she showed up at the multiplex, she was a future
Burberry model. And consider, for many young ladies, as I lamented last time, the
movie version is the only iteration of Hermione Granger that they will ever get
to see. But, at least Hermione was in an age-appropriate relationship with a
boy who looked—and acted—like a young guy.
Hooray
for Ron Weasley. He may be a bit of a git sometimes, but at least he’s not a
hundred.
*If I ever make it really big, I mean, like I marry an oil
baron or accidentally discover the next Facebook or something, I’m going to be
just like Donald Trump and employ someone, full time, to sit outside my office
with nothing but a tiny notebook and gold pen, and she will not be allowed to
do anything but doodle all day long, just in case an important call comes in
for me, or I feel like summoning someone without delay. She will have fancy
gold scissors as well, in case of a cutting emergency.